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  • Writer's pictureCalvin

I'm No Saint

Most people will think that I am a nice guy. A good guy. Someone who follows the rules by the book. To a tee.

To my understanding, that’s what most of my friends and family members think of me. And I can’t complain. I even consider myself a nice guy as well (at least on most occasions).

I try my best to listen to my parents. I try to be as standard and fit in to the comfortable nooks and crannies of society as much as possible. Nothing to see here, officer.

But, sometimes I’m not as nice as people believe. I’m not as good as they think I am. I’m not here to say that I’m a bad boy in open rebellion or anything like that.

It’s just that I have my kinks and parts that I wish could be improved upon. Sometimes, I can be a bit selfish. A bit “me, me, me.”

Sometimes, I let my parents wash the dishes, while I go off to my room and listen to Studio Ghibli while reading a nice book.

Actually, being an only child, sometimes I can’t help but feel that I’ve been a bit spoiled - especially during childhood.

All the attention from my parents were on me. With no siblings to compete with, I’d hoard all the toys. And all the video games were for me and me alone to play.

I traveled to so many places within and outside the USA with my parents footing the bill. I was simply there to enjoy and soak up the sun.

I’m not always “nice” or “good”. I depend on others as much as the next person. There’s nothing in this world that I can do alone. It really depends on the “niceness” and well-being of others.

I don’t feel like I even want the title of being a “good” guy or a “nice” guy. What is good supposed to mean anyways?

Many of the crimes committed in this world are done in the name of “goodness”. With the intention of helping to improve the world in some cruel or sadistic fashion.

Everyone thinks that they are the good one. The saint. The martyr. It kind of dilutes the whole concept of “goodness” and “niceness”.

So, what kind of guy am I exactly if I’m not nice? Does that make me a bad guy? Does that make me middle of the road?

I’m just a guy, like every other guy in this world. Some days I’m nice. Some days, I’m nasty. It really depends on my mood and environment.

I try to be nice but can’t guarantee that I always will be. Yes, I do try to give back at Toastmasters. And I do try to contribute at my local temple.

But, that still makes me just a guy. Nothing less. Nothing more. No need to build me up into some saint that can do no wrong.

I’ve done plenty of things that I wish I could’ve taken back. It’s just the “nice” part of me that I show towards the world. The “nice” me is what’s usually on display in the public forum.

On Facebook, you will only see the “nice” me, posting nice posts, while having nice pictures with nice friends. But, am I always nice? Am I always compassionate? Am I always generous?

The answer to that is no.

No one is always anything. Always good. Always bad. There’s no permanence or fixture towards labeling. One day you can be nice. The other day, you can be cruel.

Nice on a Monday. Cruel and miserable on a Tuesday. I apologize to those who get frustrated upon not being able to label or fix someone into a particular category.

I do admit that not being able to label makes everything harder to understand.

But, that is pretty much everyone in a nutshell. No one can be labeled as always this or always that. There’s a certain impermanence towards everything.

So, am I nice sometimes? Certainly, I try my best to be. But, there’s no need to put me down as a saint or some sort of hero that can do no wrong.

I’m no saint. I’m no devil. I’m none of the above. I can’t be labeled nor identified. I’m just me (for lack of a better word). I’ll have my good days. And I’ll certainly have my bad ones.

But, I don’t consider myself to be a saint. That’s too much of a burden to be placed upon a mere mortal like myself. Being simply human is good enough.

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